Men have 10 basic needs in relationships. Wait...do men also feel things?! Even though many of my clients are women, my goal as a writer, s...
Men have 10 basic needs in relationships.
Wait...do men also feel things?!
Even though many of my clients are women, my goal as a writer, speaker, and coach has always been to help men better understand the women in their lives and become better boyfriends, husbands, coworkers, and people.
I've written thousands of articles over the years, and most of them have been about what women want and need in life and love.
This always makes people ask, "But James, what about what men want?"
When I write an article about this, like the one you're about to read, I always get comments like, "Oh, so we should only pay attention to men?"
The truth is that we shouldn't just pay attention to one group or the other. Instead, we should all try to learn how to improve our relationships.
So, here is one of those rare articles about what guys need, because, despite what most people think, they also have feelings.
1: Men need to feel needed.
I thought, "Hey, why not go for the throat right from the start?"
"James, women don't need men!"
Men know that women don't need them, and many of them are having existential crises because of this.
To be honest, I think it's mostly the fault of men. We've held on to the idea that we have to take on certain roles and responsibilities in relationships for so long that it's stopped us from growing and changing with the times.
Still, the point here is still true: men still need to feel like they have something to do. A way to make your life and your relationship better. A task, a mission.
This is getting worse because men aren't getting their "fix" of "being the man" in the relationship, which makes them feel like they should.
So, they're starting to wonder what they bring to the table. They are wondering about themselves. They never know where they belong, and that makes a lot of guys unhappy.
"So what are we supposed to do? Act like we need them sometimes to make them feel better?"
Well…maybe…yeah.
In this area, guys don't need much. They like to open your door, pull your chair out, and open that pickle jar that won't budge. They like to take all the groceries up to the second floor in one trip. They like to help you out and make things easier for you.
Asking for his help once in a while, even if you don't need it (everyone knows you can carry your own groceries), will make him feel like he has a place and a purpose in your life.
"I just don't understand, James."
I know, I get it. I don't want you to know why it's true, just that it is.
Women often have strong biological urges to be caring or nurturing, or they get "baby fever" and feel a strong need to have a child.
Men don't understand that either, but they feel the same biological need to provide and protect, even if you don't need them to.
2: Men need to feel like they have help.
This study is a big one: In general, married men make between $15,000 and $20,000 more per year than single men.
Here's where I got it.
I have my own ideas about why this is happening, but they don't have much to do with the study. You can read about it for yourself.
My own idea is that men do best when they are cared for by someone they love. It gives them a reason to do well and a goal to work toward (Ahem, point #1).
It makes us feel like someone is rooting for us, encouraging us, and helping us along the way.
Someone we can trust when things go wrong and celebrate with when things go right.
I also think that married men can spend more time working and less time worrying about going out to meet women, but that's a topic for a different article.
Men who feel like they are being cared for are happier, healthier, and more driven. And any good man will give you the same support and encouragement in return.
3: Men need to feel safe.
Stability is an interesting word that women often use when they talk about what they want in a relationship.
But that doesn't change how important it is for men.
Think about the need to feel needed, which was the first point I made.
As a man, I know that I've been taught that men should be the ones to ask women out and start relationships.
If you know my work, you know I agree with this and tell guys they should try to be more romantic when they date.
This also means that men are used to feeling like they have to work hard to get a woman's love and attention.
Even though they should always try for you (and you should do the same for them), they also need to know that you notice and appreciate their efforts. Otherwise, they might feel like they could lose you at any time.
That's not a feeling of stability and security in a relationship, and no one can do well in that kind of situation.
Imagine going to work every day worried that you might get fired. You'd never be able to do your best work.
So, yes, I do think men need to earn and keep your love and affection, but I also think he needs to know when it's working.
4: Men need to work together.
There are guys out there who want to control everything in the relationship and don't care what you think or what you have to say, but let's be honest: those aren't the kinds of guys these articles are about.
They're not the kind of guys you want to spend time with and care about.
No one I know, including myself, would want to be friends with them.
So, back to the men we're talking about here who are well-adjusted and kind:
They need a life and love partner.
They need someone they can count on, talk to, and work with to build the life they've always wanted.
The reason that married men make more money, according to the study linked to in point #2, is not because they married the wrong woman. Instead, it's because they married a teammate.
Different people have different ideas about what a teammate should be like.
You could both start a business.
You might have different jobs.
You might stay at home with the kids while he works.
He might stay at home with the kids while you work.
It doesn't matter what your arrangement is as long as it works for the two of you.
That's what the world's best teams do: They find out what each member is good at and then put them in positions where they can use those strengths.
5: Men need humor.
A lot of people take life way too seriously.
I know that much of it is important. Bills are important, work is important (sometimes), responsibilities are important...
After all this, the last thing we need is more seriousness.
Yes, a lot of life does require us to be serious and act like adults (ugh), but that doesn't mean we can't have fun and laugh along the way.
One could even say that being able to enjoy it is what makes the whole thing worth it.
What's the point if you're not with someone you can enjoy it with, someone with whom you can let loose and have fun?
Women know that a man with a good sense of humor is attractive, so it shouldn't be a surprise that a woman with a good sense of humor is also attractive.
Every time he hears you laugh, he'll fall in love with you all over again.
6: Men have to give you something.
Not just gifts and other things. We do like to give these things to the woman we love, but I'm talking about giving himself to you.
His energy, his time, compliments, flattery, romance, and love.
The only reason a man should make you feel good is because he loves you.
Not because he wants something in return, not because you asked him to, and not just to boost his ego.
If a man loves and cares about you deeply, he will want to give, not take.
All of this comes back to the need for meaning and purpose. If he knows that he's the only one giving you these things (which, uh, he should be), he'll be very proud of who he is and what he's bringing to your life.
7: Men need to know they are liked.
"But James, you just said that men shouldn't do things for money!"
They shouldn't, you're right. No one ought to. But that doesn't mean that people like being treated like they don't matter.
He needs to know that you appreciate the things he does for you every day and that you're not just waiting for them to happen.
I'll say it again because I've said it before:
Kindness is like a tank that needs to be filled up with fuel.
In other words, if he thinks you like what he does for you, he'll keep doing it for you.
No matter how kind or selfless someone is, if they don't feel appreciated for what they do, they will start to feel like they're being used.
This is not a "man thing," it's a "human thing."
No one wants to feel like they're giving their best to someone who doesn't even notice. If that feeling lasts for too long, it will push you apart to the point where you can't get back together.
8: Men need closeness.
After 8 points, you're finally admitting that men just want to get laid.
Well…no.
You're an adult. Men have sexual needs, which you already know.
I mean, s***, you know you want to be sexual.
I didn't say "sex," though. I said "intimacy."
Yes, intimacy leads to sex, but you can still have sex without being close.
Do you know what will happen if you do that enough? Either you get bored or you get attached to the person you're sleeping with, because you still want to be close to them.
Intimacy is much more than just having sex with someone. It's about making a deep mental and emotional connection with someone based on love.
It's a bond that makes you feel like you can be yourself around this person.
When you're with them, it makes you feel good about yourself and your body.
It's what makes you walk in the park holding hands. We were holding hands and watching that movie. When you get home from work, you give each other a big hug.
That's what real intimacy is all about, and both men and women need it.
9: Men need to know who they are.
I'm telling you this is important for both of you, so trust me.
In that, you both need your own identities, but you also need each other to have your own identities.
What I mean is that too many men try so hard to get (or keep) a woman's attention that they give up who they really are in the process. They give her what they think she wants. They change to suit her. They give up time with friends, family, and activities they enjoy.
Of course! You should want to hang out with your partner all the time.
But you should also have your own hobbies and interests that bring you joy outside of the relationship.
If not, what happens?
You treat your relationship and your partner like they are the only things that keep you alive in this world.
Most men (and, if we're being honest, most women) find it hard to figure out who they are in the first place.
Most people make decisions that will affect their lives for decades based on making money, making a partner happy, raising kids, or something else that has nothing to do with them.
Even if something is good, there needs to be a limit. Your internal identity should tell you what those limits are so that every choice you make fits with your values and beliefs.
Hard to put into place? Definitely.
Important to your own happiness and satisfaction? Absolutely.
10: Men need to be loved for who they are.
First, let's say what is clear:
Women have been under a lot of pressure and influence for hundreds of years about how they look, what they wear, how they talk, their relationship status, and many other things that should be up to the person.
It's unfair, unjust, and unreasonable.
But this article is about what men need, and men also need to feel good about who they are.
Even though the only place we can find a true sense of self-worth is within ourselves, we still need to know that the person we love accepts and loves us for who we are.
Men do the same things that women do when they compare themselves to other people. Though, we usually look at who has a better beard, bigger muscles, a faster car, a stronger jawline, or more money in the bank...
Is it based on pride? So, sure.
Does that make it less real or harder to handle? No, I'm afraid not.
If a man knows you love him, though, and that you think he's the best guy in the world, the most handsome, the most caring, kind-hearted, real, and worthy of your love, he'll feel more confident in himself.
When he feels good about himself, he can give you the best of himself. It's the best way for him to be the best partner, father, coworker, lover, and friend.
He'll know that as long as he has you by his side, he can do anything.
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