15 Things She Wants in Her Future Husband She's a good match for marriage. Are you? About a year ago, I joined a new gym and noticed th...
15 Things She Wants in Her Future Husband
She's a good match for marriage. Are you?
About a year ago, I joined a new gym and noticed that there was a big guy who went there often. When I say "quite big," I mean that he is over 7 feet tall and towers over most people. He was a monster of a man and hard to miss.
He has a lot of tattoos, sometimes looks scary, and moves surprisingly well for someone his size.
I eventually talked to him and got to know him, which is something I often do. He has a very clear voice and speaks very well. If I can tell from his Instagram posts, he is also wise. You can't judge a book by its cover, and this is proof of that.
He recently sent me a voice message congratulating me on my marriage and admitting that sometimes he wonders what a man has to do to get a woman to think about making a lifelong commitment with him.
We all know that dating is hard and can feel hopeless at times, but that's just a lie.
There is always hope, but for relationships to grow and succeed, we need to know ourselves and each other better.
Even though there is a lot of confusion and misinformation in the world, I think there are still some things that women want in a man they would call their husband.
Here are a few questions that might get people talking in the comments:
1. Security.
"James, do you mean to say that women only want rich men?"
No, obviously not. There's a reason I used the word "stable." Stability means that things are always the same, and trust is built on things that are always the same.
So, you can see that "the thing" isn't always "the thing." That's what I mean when I say that a man's stability shows that he probably has other good traits as well.
He could have a simple job and make a simple living, but he would be stable and safe in that situation. He is calm and can be counted on. He is there when you need him, doesn't disappear for days at a time, and doesn't make you worry about where he is or who he's talking to.
Women don't want to get involved with a time bomb or worry about what a guy will do next. They want to look at you and know exactly what they are getting.
2. Skills in talking to people.
Many men are really good at talking...about themselves. Most of the time, what's missing is the ability to listen. To learn something, you need to pay attention to small details and use them later.
If you read a lot of my articles, you already know that I've talked about how Rachel and I talked online for almost three months before we met in person.
If I hadn't been interested in her life, told her about mine, talked about my interests, and listened to her, our conversations would have ended quickly and we wouldn't have stayed in touch long enough to meet.
We wouldn't be married now, for sure.
Rachel told the Justice of the Peace that her favorite thing about me is that I "listen to her for hours and hours." This is true. I also say what I feel, what I want, and what I need.
This way of talking together is a key part of our relationship, and I'm sure we wouldn't be where we are now if I didn't know how to talk to her on her level.
It's important to not feel bad about yourself if you're not good at communicating...
It can be learned, just like any other skill. You just have to be willing to spend time and work on it.
3: A future vision.
A woman can't plan her future with a man who doesn't know what he wants to do with his life.
Consider it...
She is on a good path, has her life together, knows what she wants the next 5 or 10 years to look like, and would love to find someone to share the journey with.
Do you think a woman like that will be interested in a man who lives from day to day, doesn't have any plans for the future, and hasn't built his own foundation yet?
Let's be clear about this: I'm not telling you that you need to already be where you're going. A lot of guys get stuck on the idea that they need to check off a certain number of boxes before pursuing a serious relationship...
I know how important it is to lay the groundwork, and I also know that a woman who is willing to grow and build with you is someone you can count on to be there for you through good times and bad. That's what makes a relationship strong.
4: Growing up.
No big deal, right?
Men seem to be getting less and less mature over time, which seems obvious but is actually surprising.
Everyone grows up at their own pace, which is fine. I call myself a late bloomer, and I spent a lot of time traveling, living in different places, and pursuing my passions and goals while others were settling down and building more "traditional" lives for themselves.
So, let me say again: neither I nor anyone else should judge the path you choose to take in your life.
I'm trying to say that a woman shouldn't see you as a stable and trustworthy lifelong partner if you're still in the "exploration" phase. She wants to meet someone who has "been there, done that" and is ready for something more serious and long-term.
This can only be shown by what you do and how you choose to live your life. What you say or how you try to sell yourself doesn't matter.
5: Being flexible.
Life is long, and the road is full of surprises that can make you change your plans.
If every change in direction throws you off track, the environment will be tense and stressful.
I'm not saying you should always just go with the flow, because you need direction and consistency (see point #1), but sometimes changes need to be made, and if you can do that without getting all worked up about it, it will make things much easier for both of you.
6: Putting health and fitness first.
You don't have to live in the gym. You don't have to plan meals. You don't have to run every day. You don't have to look like a photo-shopped model in a magazine...
You should care enough about your health and fitness, though, because you should value and respect yourself.
This isn't to find a partner for life; it's to live a healthy, productive, and happy life, no matter what your relationship status is.
In the context of this article, though, women will be looking for someone who seems like he'll be around for a while, whether they admit it or not.
If she wants to build a life with you, she wants you to be there for as long as possible.
Plus, this is good for both your physical and mental health. If one doesn't work, the other won't help you much by itself.
7: Being interested in the world.
Imagine trying to get to know someone who doesn't have any hobbies, interests, or passions...
Conversations get boring quickly, it's hard to find things to do together, and it seems almost impossible to form a bond based on things you both like.
When they get home from work, all they want to do is lie down in front of Netflix until it's time to go to bed.
Relaxation and free time are great, but they can't be the only things you look forward to. If they are, it seems like you're trying to escape your life instead of living it.
If you plan to be together for a long time...
You will need to have something to talk about.
8. Sexual skill.
Dude, let's face it, she has needs too. You have to be willing to meet those needs and listen to them without judging them. The good news is that you likely want to make her happy. Maybe you're a little worried about your skills or not very skilled in the area. If that's the case, you should tell her so you can both work on it.
It's not about trying to be a Casanova; it's about making an effort to find out what she likes and making sure she's happy while you're together.
9: The ability to be sexually neutral.
She knows already how guys are...
The question is, besides being predictable, what else can you be like?
Can you sit down with her and talk slowly, deeply, and passionately?
Can you just massage her back?
Can you become HER FRIEND?
She wants to feel wanted and desired by you, but if she thinks you only want her for the physical side of the relationship, there won't be any room for anything else to grow.
10: Abilities of fathers.
Here comes a tough one, but hear me out...
Not everyone wants to have kids. Hell, for a long time I didn’t think I wanted them either. Rachel already having two before we met was something I had to think long and hard about before even seeing her in person, because I knew that it was not something to mess around with unless I was serious.
Here are a couple of reasons why I think seeming like you could be a good dad makes a big difference:
1: She might change her mind down the road and actually want kids. What if that happens and she’s stuck with a guy who hates kids, or is terrible with them, or adamantly does not want them? Heartbreak and confusion will ensue.
2: If she does want kids, this is obviously a dealbreaker if you’re not on the same page. Everything else in the relationship could be fantastic, but if you fundamentally disagree on whether or not to have children, one of you is going to be immensely unhappy someday if you stay together.
3: It’s not JUST about how you are with kids. Qualities of “a dad” are important and useful in other areas of life. It requires selflessness, generosity, compassion, empathy, caring…all qualities that benefit a relationship in multiple areas.
I know plenty of couples who’ve consciously chosen not to have children and, as I said, for a long time I thought that was going to be my life, too. So, what’s most important is that you do what makes you happy and screw what anyone else thinks.
The point being made here is that if children may be part of the picture at some point in the future, that is going to play a big role in her decision about who to marry.
11: Patience.
Nothing worthwhile comes easily. Love cannot be rushed. Sex must happen when both people are ready. Wedding planning is tough. Having kids might take you awhile. Your pet is going to pee in the house every once in awhile. So will your toddler.
Nothing about building a life with someone is easy — hell, nothing about building a life by yourself is easy, either.
She needs to know that you’re willing and able to take things as they come, to remain cool and calm in the face of struggle. To be steady and consistent even when life is not.
This requires work, patience, and discipline. All of which are signs that a future together can be happy, healthy, and productive.
12: The ability to make her feel special.
She wants to be seen. To be recognized for who she really is. To be valued, loved, and respected as the most important person in your life.
This doesn’t take any magic tricks or secrets, it just requires you to pay attention to detail. To do small and special things for her for no reason. To speak up and tell her how much you value and appreciate her. To provide reassurance when she needs it. To pledge not to betray her trust.
We are all living in a world where our attention is being pulled in a million different directions at once. We’re being fed images of beautiful people constantly. Our inboxes are stuffed full of spam, and bots, and the occasional advance from a real person who liked our last Instagram photo.
This is just part of the game. It’s the hand we’ve all been dealt. But we can control what we give our attention to, and what we don’t.
She wants (needs) to know that you can block out the rest of the noise and stay focused on her and your relationship.
13: Strong values and beliefs.
As the old saying goes: “A man who stands for nothing will fall for anything.”
A woman needs to know that you’ll stand up for yourself, for her, for your family. She needs to know that you’re clear on what you believe and what you’ll tolerate (or not) in your life.
She needs to know who you are — and so do you.
14: Social compatibility with her.
This doesn’t mean you need to be extroverted or outgoing if you’re not already. It means that you two will work best if your social preferences are aligned.
If she has a career or owns a business that requires her to attend frequent events, or schmooze, or travel often, or appear in the media or in front of large groups…
and you have social anxiety and avoid crowds at all costs…
there might be some conflict down the road as you’re unwilling to be by her side during important times.
Not to mention, that’s not just part of her job, but potentially part of who she is as a person, which would cause further strife if it’s far different than who you are.
Of course, the inverse is also true. If she has no interest in social events, crowds, or gatherings — but you had a strong and vibrant social life before you met her, it will be difficult to strike a balance between the two that makes you both happy.
15: A strong identity.
Here is the kicker and the thing that I work on most with my private clients: Identity and purpose.
Your identity is not what you do for a living. It’s not being a parent. It’s not being a husband, or a partner, or a son, or a…whatever.
Your identity is who you are. It’s rooted in your values, beliefs, habits, routines, and the standards you set for yourself.
Your identity lives within the parameters you’ve created for your life.
Your identity is projected to the world each day based on how you choose to present yourself, treat others, and treat yourself.
Your identity is a reflection of what you believe is important and the story you want to write.
The stronger and brighter this identity shines, the easier it is for you to “find your people” along the way. They’ll see you coming based on your shared interests, passions, and involvement in causes.
They’ll know you share a foundational similarity and they’ll be curious to find out what else you might have in common…
That’s how sparks are formed. That’s how conversations start. That’s how future wives, or husbands, or partners are found.
Then, you must maintain that identity over time and not lose it in the relationship. You mustn’t give up what you believe in just because you want to keep the peace or avoid conflict — in reality, the opposite will occur because your partner will start to believe they fell for you based on a lie, or a false image you were projecting.
When your identity remains strong, it guides you through all of your decisions in life. It serves as a beacon that you can follow through the darkness. It is your compass on the journey.
When two people with similar identities come together, their lights both shine brighter as they walk their paths together.
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