10 Signs That Your Heart Is With The Wrong Person There are many challenges in life, but one of the hardest is probably having to admit tha...
10 Signs That Your Heart Is With The Wrong Person
There are many challenges in life, but one of the hardest is probably having to admit that we chose the wrong partner.
There are a lot of things that this means. It makes you question your own judgment. You worry about what other people will think. Should you go back and delete those Instagram photos all at once?
Some people find it even more hard. They could be married, have kids, a house, pets, a business, or none of these things.
Often, this is so hard to handle that people decide to just...stay. This way is easier. Less expensive. You can "deal with it"...for the rest of your life (? ).
At least the kids will be better off.
Or, is it?
The point is that it's never easy to end a relationship, even when it's just getting started. You start to think about going out and dating again, and all the memories of how hard it was come flooding back.
Let's not even start talking about the seemingly end-of-the-world path you have to take to get through a complicated divorce.
One thing is certain, though: you can't hide from your own feelings, no matter how hard things are outside of you. No matter what your brain decides, your heart will pull at you until you decide to do something about it.
Some of these pulls may be very light, while others may be more noticeable.
How do you know when to pay attention to them?
1: When they're gone, you don't REALLY miss them.
You both have a lot going on. Your jobs or businesses keep you on the go all day. Getting kids to and from school. On the weekends, we have soccer practice. Maybe some business trips...
At the end of the day, many couples get back together for dinner or cuddle up on the couch to watch their favorite show.
When you think about this, you have a deep feeling that may be telling you one of two things:
1: I can't wait until the end of the day to see my person.
I wish I could be left alone and not have to deal with them.
There are, of course, more details, but you get the idea.
Depending on where you are in your relationship, you might be trying to decide if you want to spend the rest of your life with this person or if you already have.
No matter what, that means a lot of nights on the couch together. They were thousands.
It means trips with the family.
It means that you will have to wake up next to them every day for the next 50 years.
That's 18,250 days.
If you wake up every morning and desperately count down the minutes until one of you goes to work, you'll be in for a rude awakening when you retire, go on vacation, or spend your days with your partner.
But you already know this. You know that being with someone means being with them and loving being in their presence. It means to think of them as a part of yourself.
If the truth is that you're happier when they're not around, this is a sign you shouldn't ignore.
2: When you argue, you make it about yourself.
Spoiler alert: All couples have disagreements.
But, as I've said many times before, when you disagree, you should both work together to solve the problem, not fight with each other.
When a conversation is aimed at getting back at someone, it goes in a very different direction.
If you find yourself subconsciously waiting to bring up something from five years ago that still bothers you, or to poke fun at their insecurities (ahem, emotional abuse), or to use the situation as an excuse to "be right" or make them feel bad about themselves, you need to realize that these are not signs of emotionally healthy behavior.
You wouldn't do those things on purpose to someone you love.
Instead, they could be signs of anger or a hidden desire to get away from this person.
People who really care about each other don't hurt each other on purpose. They might say the wrong thing, make mistakes, or upset each other. In fact, it's almost certain that they will do all of these things at some point in their lives.
Intent makes a difference here. If you find yourself wanting to hurt your partner on purpose, your heart is telling you that you don't really love them.
If you don't want them to hurt, why would you ever want to? Not to mention being the cause of it?
3: You're not thrilled about being together "forever."
Forever, can you believe it?
Forever is a really, really long time.
Until death separates us. Death?!
This is what I and millions of other people promised when we got married.
I'm a bit of a mystery because I don't like to follow the rules, but I take my marriage vows very seriously. I would never play with it, just like I wouldn't play with someone else's heart.
When I married my wife, I knew I wanted to be with her for the rest of my life (and the kids). I'm going to do that, unless something unexpected happens or the universe changes in a way I can't stop.
This is not a promise that should be made if you don't mean it.
You can't just "roll with it" for the rest of your life.
I think it's a promise that needs to be made with energy, enthusiasm, and hope.
One that two people make together while standing side by side and looking into the future.
That future must have many options and open doors. Adventure, excitement, success, travel, and shared joy and happiness are all things that are promised.
It doesn't matter if you've been together for a couple of months or a couple of years; when you think about your future together, you should feel excited, not afraid.
I do think that many people don't pay attention to how they really feel when they make this commitment. They feel like something is telling them that this person isn't the right one to build a life with, but they've already come so far down this road that going back seems harder than going forward.
If you want to spend the rest of your life with this person, your heart and soul must be on fire when you think about it. If not, the trials and tribulations you face along the way will break you apart. Your belief must be stronger than the things that stand in your way.
4: Deep down, you wish it were someone else.
Listen, talking about this is not easy. It wasn't easy to write this article, and it wasn't easy to read it either.
But most of all, when these feelings show up in real life, they are not easy to deal with.
A lot of people secretly wish that their partner was someone else.
I'm not even talking about a specific person; I'm talking about the idea of someone else.
Their mind wanders to what it would be like if they had married someone else, dated someone else, or slept with someone else.
They start to look into the gaps between these thoughts, almost as a way to get away from the relationship they're in.
Oh, "everyone's mind wanders," they say to make themselves feel better...
But they know deep down that they wouldn't feel this way if they were happy.
Instead, they would be thinking about the places they want to go with their partner, the intimate experiences they want to share together, the life they want to build, and the goals they want to reach as a team.
These are thoughts that point to a bright future, not ones where you see the silhouette of someone else in place of your partner.
5: The passion isn't as strong as it used to be.
We all know that a healthy sex life is an important part of a happy and long-lasting relationship, especially one that you're going to be in for the rest of your life.
Having sex and making love are two very different things, though.
Late at night, two people can meet at a bar and then have a lot of fun physically enjoying each other.
Being in a long-term relationship, on the other hand, means that you and this person have built a strong emotional bond. This makes physical intimacy more passionate and meaningful.
Or it should at least.
Listen, I don't have blinders on. I know that if you're going to spend your whole life with someone, you'll have to find ways to keep things interesting. I know that keeping the spark alive takes work, effort, and consistency.
But that's the point: it's something you do together so you can both enjoy it. It shouldn't be scary, but rather a satisfying thing to do.
If you're just going through the motions, don't feel anything when you kiss them, or, even worse, dread the idea of being intimate with them, you have a big problem that will only get worse if you don't deal with it.
The only way to solve that problem is for both people to be fully committed to solving it. If your heart is telling you not to, then you should look into those thoughts and feelings more.
6: It's hard to imagine taking care of them when they're old.
I think this is one of the most important things to think about when getting into a relationship or picking someone to marry.
I've talked a lot about how I watched my grandparents grow old together and literally carry each other through the years until their time was up.
I saw with my own eyes what it really means to promise to be together for life and what it means to keep that promise.
Even though it can be sad, this is a very real part of choosing someone to spend the rest of your life with—maybe the most real part of all.
This is probably going to happen a long time after you die. You might not even know about it. You could either ignore the idea completely or never think about it at all...
But I would argue that it's important to think about at least once in a while. Can you really see yourself being there for your partner when they need you the most?
I really want you.
We need you to travel. Need you to help them take their medicine. You need to take them to the doctor. They need you to dress them.
This is a sad fact of life that we all have to deal with, and if we're lucky, we can do it with the person we love.
If you can't promise them that from now on, you should really think about why you're staying with them.
7: You don't want to be best friends with them.
This might sound strange, but hear me out:
In a relationship, it's clear that you need to be more than just friends. This isn't about being put in a "Friend zone." Instead, it's about having a solid group of friends on which to build a life.
When you're not being intimate with each other, you're really just best friends.
You and your best friend are hanging out.
You and your best friend are out doing errands.
You and your best friend go on a trip.
Sitting on the porch with your best friend when you're 90 years old.
With your best friend, you can watch movies, do chores, run errands, and have coffee on Sunday morning.
What are you really doing if you can't be fully present and enjoy these moments with this person?
Just killing time? Waiting in secret for it to be over so you can get on with your day?
You need to like this person as well as love them.
8: You hope that they'll change someday.
Most of the time, the "small things" you ignore in the beginning of a relationship are the things that end the relationship.
I've heard this from clients over and over again: "I thought I could handle it."
The little things that bother you, your strange habits, making messes, being bad with money, being too stressed or too calm all the time...
When we're just getting to know someone, we choose to put up with a lot of these things. We're so excited to meet this new person that we overlook things we tell ourselves aren't that important.
And they might not be today.
But after five, ten, or fifteen years, we realize that this person is who they are and won't change.
Sure, they can (and should) change, improve, and grow over time, just like you should. But there are some things about a person that don't change, and if you're going to spend your whole life with them, you have to accept and love all of them, not just the parts you like.
You don't want to tell them anything.
Your partner should be someone you can talk to about anything. Any secret, any wish, any fear, any hope, any dream...
They should be the first person you call when you win and the first person you call when you lose.
The person with whom to celebrate. When something goes wrong, you talk to this person.
Everything.
If they're not that person—if you don't feel comfortable telling them secrets or if you think they'll do something to ruin the party—these are scary signs that you shouldn't put your emotional energy into them.
Being in love is about trust, comfort, and talking to each other in an open and honest way.
If you don't feel safe enough with someone to tell them how you really feel, then why are you in a relationship with them?
10: You can't be your REAL self when you're with them.
This is the only thing you will ever know for sure.
Can you feel safe enough with your partner to be the most real and true version of yourself?
Are you calm around them?
Can you sit in peace and quiet and just be?
Can you talk about your wildest hopes and dreams without worrying about being judged?
Can you act funny, silly, or goofy with them?
Or, can you be both passionate and interested?
It doesn't matter what your true self looks like as long as it can live fully within the relationship.
You should never feel like you're putting on a show or an act to win someone's approval, especially in the beginning of a relationship.
Why?
Because if you set an expectation at the start of the relationship, things will fall apart when they find out that isn't really who you are.
Imagine putting on a show all your life, even when you're supposed to be "at home," both literally and figuratively.
The right person will see you, love you, and accept you for everything you are. They won't ever make you feel down or like you're not good enough or loveable.
The right person will love everything about you that other people took for granted, and when they do, you'll feel it every day for the rest of your life.
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